31 March 2015

The Confession

It just, I am not that strong girl anymore.

The ignorance make me feel like, "Oh I see, there is no one for me anymore. No one will be able to love me anymore". I think the feeling of rejection is better than the feeling of ignorance without answer. It just feels like a silly thought that make me feel this way. I do not think that I will be able to handle this. 

Saya tidak tahu dari mana datangnya keberanian untuk confess dengan kau. Saya sendiri hairan. Mungkin sebab tercabar oleh kata-kata kawan yang cakap, "Bah, tunggulah dya kena ambik orang baru mahu telan air liur", " Jangan ego, please make a move. Kalau tidak sekarang bila lagi?" and so on.

But akhirnya, masih disini menanti. Bezanya dya tahu perasaan saya and saya malu dengan dya. Oh God, kenapa la saya confess?

Full of Regret,

- yean -


30 March 2015

Road To Recovery From A Heartbreak

When we find a person we love and they love us in return, it is a magical swirl of feelings that we are blessed to experience but often when love ends the magical swirl of feelings turn into a massive tornado of emotions that is on a path of destruction through our soul.

The road to recovery from a heartbreak is a much traveled road but that does not mean its not filled with obstacles. My personal trail to recovery is a tricky one and the emotions I feel are more bipolar then Ranau weather. 

My thoughts while traveling this road was like :

"It is like the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time and it is hard to watch things change when all I want is for them to stay the same. It is funny but stupid how I want everything and nothing at the same time. It is crazy when I want to let go but I keep holding on and when I want to move on but I am stuck right here, where I started. When feelings come and go and I can not decide what I want, when I have so many things to say but I do not know where to start, when I want you in my life so bad but all I can do is push you far away. It is so hard to think back how things used to be and look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. I tell myself it is not worth it but if it really did not matter, I would not spend much time to think about it"

As I lay on the ground my thought wander to dangerous territories of my mind about you and me. Past memories go through my head like dust being spread, my heart begins to pound making me feel like I am going to explode.

Rain drops down my face filling oceans and lakes, my vision is foggy but only intensifying my picture of you. With nothing holding me back, I am cast into this nerve breaking emotion. Again and again. It is a never ending cycle that I can not seem to stop.


It is me,

-Y E A N-


14 March 2015

You Lost Her.

You threw her away.

You threw away the girl that would do anything and do anything and everything for you.
You threw away the girl that gave her all and trusted you with it.
You threw away the girl that put her whole self into being there for you.
You threw away the girl that shut every other person out in her life because she told herself she could not trust them.
You threw away the girl that sees the entire world in you.
You threw away the girl that went through hell just to be with you,
You threw away the girl that was willing to wait as long as it took until she could call you hers.
You threw away the girl that girl that still wanted you even when you treated her as if she was nothing.
You threw away the girl that spent months hoping you two could be together eventually.
You threw away the girl that stays up at night, wondering if you are okay.
You threw away the girl that continues to do so much for you even though she got nothing in return.
You threw away the girl that did not listen to the bad things that others said about you.
You threw away the girl that would do anything in the world for you.

You threw her away.

And guess what??

You LOST her.


The girl you have lost,



09 March 2015

A Girl With Her Mess.

I want someone to accept me for who I am.

My flaws and all.

The way I woke up with groggy eyes, messy hair, or even drools stained on my pillows or face, my bare naked face.

I want someone who make me feel comfortable and enough so that I am not afraid to show my imperfections.

There are some days I just do not feel like getting out of the bed. There are some days I had terrible argument with my parents and siblings.

I have make mistakes. Please, do not judge. I am not perfect.

Whenever I feel down all I need is a little comfort. Please do not brush me off because I am sensitive.

If I had accidentally vent my anger on you, trust me my anger would not lasts that long. I'll definitely crawl up to you and apologized.

I am sensitive and soft. I have vulnerable side because I am just human with feeling.


A human with feeling,



06 March 2015

Weirdo. Me.

I have to be the weirdest person. 

I want love so badly but I am afraid of falling in love again. I am a hopeless romantic with commitment issues. When I get hurt, I wish for the person that hurt me nothing but happiness because I would never wish the pain I feel on anyone.

When I finally get the person I want, I push them away with the fear of getting too attached. I smile all the time but I am never truly happy. I want to be alone at times but I hate the thought of being lonely.

I make up crazy scenarios in my head about when I will finally find my Prince Charming but my endings always end with me being broken. I want to change the way I see love and people. I want to be the little girl that would be appalled by even the thought of my lover ever saying they stopped loving me.

I want to be the girl I was before my heart was ripped out of chest and used as a carpet for people to stomp on. But it is so hard being optimistic when the people I thought would never hurt me, destroyed every thought I have ever had of true happiness.


The weirdo,



Tabung :)